★☆☆☆☆ 1/5

I’ll be the first to admit that I have an overwhelming obsession for Harry Potter. I’ve been to Harry Potter World, I’ve bought a wand, and I’ve read the series at least six times. So I was understandably excited when I heard that JK Rowling was releasing a play about Harry and the gang’s kids, which made actually reading the play all the more disappointing.

   Initially, there were some things I liked about The Cursed Child. Ron was a particularly funny character, and Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy’s friendship was wonderful. There were some nice scenes between Harry and Ginny, and I was gratified when Harry confronted Dumbledore’s portrait about leaving him at Privet Drive. But that’s pretty much all I liked about the play.

   The characterization of Harry, my favorite character, was so disconcerting that I periodically found myself muttering curse words and exclaiming “What?!” at especially bewildering lines. One line stood out in particular: Harry angrily tells Albus that sometimes he wishes he wasn’t his son. I was utterly shocked after reading this. After growing up neglected and an orphan, Harry of all people would know how cruel those words are. This, along with other moments in the play, made me question whether or not the authors had actually read the series. I cannot accept that Hermione and Ron wouldn’t have fallen in love if she hadn’t gone to the Yule Ball with Krum in fourth year (Really? Their entire relationship was built on jealousy?). There were more than a few embarrassingly awful lines like “Thank Dumbledore” instead of “Thank God” and the “Blood Ball” in the alternate universe, and I was cringing when a disguised Albus kisses his unsuspecting Aunt Hermione multiple times. Why did that need to be included?

   Not to mention that much of the plot relied on completely butchering Cedric Diggory’s character. When Albus and Scorpius ensure that Cedric was not killed by Voldemort during the third trial of the Triwizard Tournament, this apparently humiliates Cedric—good, kind, honorable Cedric–and causes him to turn bitter; he decides to join the Death Eaters then kills Neville Longbottom. This was so ridiculous and out-of-character that I completely lost any respect for or investment in the plot.

   Another cringe-worthy addition to The Cursed Child was Voldemort’s daughter. It seemed like something you’d find in a twelve year old’s first fanfic, not in an actual piece of published material. Are we really supposed to believe that the snakelike Voldemort felt anything as human as lust? I never, ever got the impression in the books that he would deign to do something as “dirty” as sex. It was a plot twist that was no doubt added for shock value, but it was completely bizarre and unnecessary.

   Unfortunately, at best, that’s what this newest addition to the Harry Potter franchise was: bizarre and unnecessary. At worst, it’s a complete mangling of everything that made the original series so great. Everyone was out of character, many of the events that the plot relied on were laughably ridiculous, some of the dialogue was lame and painful to read, and it never managed to capture the magic of the original series. Overall, it was more of a parody than an actual Harry Potter book, and for the sake of my sanity, I’m going to pretend it doesn’t exist.